I am a mom but also a daughter.

I just got off the phone with my mom and we had an argument.  This happens a few times a year, tensions are high, we disagree, and it blows up.  Sometimes it is during a big family event, a family crises, over a holiday season, and sometimes it just comes out of nowhere.  This one came out of nowhere.

I have been trying to organize a family trip with my family, my parents, and my sister and her new husband.  It has been a little challenging trying to juggle schedules and travel preferences, harder than I anticipated.  I had finally narrowed our choices down and thought we had some good options and wanted to discuss it with my mom.  I should’ve known how it would go down based on past experience.

My relationship with my parents is complicated.  I would say that my family is tight and close-knit however sometimes it’s so tight it can feel suffocating.  We live close to my parents and see them often, which is a positive thing and especially wonderful for the kids to be near grandparents.  What happens is is that there aren’t many secrets that I can keep and my parents know our business and don’t hold back on their opinions.

Growing up my parents did not want to be our friends.  They took (and still take) their role as parents very seriously and that meant they had the responsibility of making sure we didn’t mess anything up and make any of the mistakes that they made in their lives.  They always say they want the best for us and want so much more than what they had. And for that, I appreciate and love them so much for it.

However, the relationship we have gets strained sometimes because I am a people-pleaser, more specifically a parent-pleaser.  When I was younger I tried my best to make decisions that would make them proud. They were very clear as to what their expectations were for myself and my sister, and if I ever made them upset or disappointed I took it pretty hard.

Fast forward to life as an adult.  And things change. I started to see the world through my own eyes and I started wanting different things for myself and my life.  When I got married and we started a family I had a very different vision for how I wanted things to be, than my parents. And so every so often this difference of opinion comes out in a comment or discussion and then once in awhile it escalates.

But here’s the thing.  I always want for my parents to understand my life choices and approve of them.  I know that there is no changing them and we need to agree to disagree and find a way to live in harmony.  I think what I want is too much to ask. I know in my heart why I have chosen to take a certain path in my life, and why I have made the decisions I have, but it still makes me sad that my parents don’t approve and that they worry that I have made some terrible mistakes.

It’s hard being a grown up.  I have children of my own, and a family of my own.  But when it comes to my parents I am still a kid. I am a kid in their eyes and I myself feel like a kid when I am around them.  I question my own judgement and seek approval.

I don’t think there is a solution to any of this but I hope that over time we can find some middle ground so it isn’t something that is always looming over us.  It makes me defensive and I respond to my parents in ways that I don’t like. I get very sensitive over things that are not a big deal because I have already worked it up in my head that they are always not trusting me.  

The way I move past it when we have disagreements is to remind myself at the end of the day we are family, we have each other’s backs, we may not see eye to eye on everything but we are all human and that’s to be expected.  I just need to make my own decisions and keep moving because you can’t please everyone.