What Should We Share with Our Kids?

With everything that is happening around us the past few months in our world, I have been having a hard time with deciding what and how to share, filter, and explain recent events to my children.  Our son is almost 9 and can read for himself and understands news briefings so it’s hard to keep anything from him.  Our 4 year old daughter is a little more oblivious but she still catches on to things.

In our family, in our home, we have always tried to keep the lines of communication open.  We encourage the kids to ask questions and we do not shy away from explaining general current events or history to them.  We don’t watch the news on our tv very often, but we do read up on current events and discuss as we see fit with the kids.

Covid-19, the pandemic, quarantine, policy brutality, racism, and the Black Lives Movement are just some of the very serious things that have come up in a lot of our family discussions the past few months.  I admittedly found it very hard to delve deep in to these issues with our children, and my husband and I did decide on exactly how far we would go in our discussions, but at the same time I felt a sense of relief in being able to be the ones to explain these things to our children first.  And help them understand a little bit about what is happening where we live and around the world.  This is the first time since becoming parents I think we have had to get so serious on so many topics at once, but rather than shielding our children from the truth, we thought it best to start the discussions now.

The kids have surprised me at how mature they are and how much they already intuitively understand the world around them.  We all have a lot to learn and we were honest with our kids that as a family we will continue to work on our awareness and do what we think is right.  And if the kids are confused, we will be their sounding boards.

I am a cry baby.

I have this problem (well it’s a problem to me) where I get overcome with emotion and then there is nothing I can do to stop my tears.  I cry during movies, commercials, speeches, graduations, weddings, songs, when I read books/stories/articles, podcasts, and worst of all when I am doing any type of public speaking or even interviews (ugh).  It’s not just when I feel sad but it’s when I am happy or I feel moved, I get overcome with all the feelings and my body reacts by letting out the tears.  My eyes get red, swollen, and the tears come and won’t stop.  It’s really embarrassing and it is oftentimes not convenient or effective.  Imagine being in an interview and talking with your prospective employer and bawling your eyes out! 

Sometimes it feels really good to let out a nice long cry.  That feels cathartic.  But uncontrollable tears just feels awkward.  I have been dealing with my cry-baby tendencies for most of my life (ironically my parents tell me I rarely cried as an actual baby).  I wish I could just feel the feels without showing it on the outside, but I have tried to hold back my tears so many times and it backfires.  So now, I prepare myself, best as I can, and bring tissues (and eyeliner) wherever I go.

Memorization

Education, as it stands today in the United States, seems to have shifted to more than just memorization.  In our school district we utilize the Common Core method along with other learning tools that focus on the why’s and how’s of subjects and not just the answer.  Our kids are asked to learn and understand how you solve problems and how you search for the answers, not just memorizing facts and figures.  It is a bit controversial, but for the most part I do like the focus on the process rather than just finding the “right” answer.

However, I do think that there are certain things worth memorizing, especially in elementary school and early education.  I have tried to explain to my kids that it may be boring, but if we can learn to memorize our letters, sight words, grammar rules, math facts, definitions, etc, it will make more complex topics easier to learn.  There isn’t nearly as much of a focus on testing the kids as I remember there being when I was a kid.  We had a lot of timed tests when I was in school that focused on the “right” answer, definition, and testing that you read and could regurgitate it.  I think the sweet spot may be somewhere in the middle.  If there are 4 steps to get to the right answer and memorization can get you to step 2, to me, that’s worth the effort.  We can spend our time and attention on the more complicated steps 3 and 4.  But this could all be a function of “this is how I learned it when I was a kid” and thinking it makes more sense this way.

The Phrases We Say

There are phrases I say (and hear often) in everyday life that I think are worth mentioning.  We say and hear them so often but do we really stop and think about what they mean or rather what the connotation is?

“No worries”-  When I say no worries it’s usually when someone is turning me down for something.  I say no worries so that the person doesn’t feel bad about saying no to me and so that the person doesn’t think I am upset about it.  But when someone says no worries to me I feel bad immediately!  I think that I have hurt their feelings or upset them because I can’t do what they’ve asked me or I cannot help them the way they would like.

“No big deal”-  When I say no big deal it’s usually when someone says no to something I’ve asked them to do or if I have asked for a favor or to borrow something.  I say no big deal to show that I really don’t care and it’s not that important to me.  When someone says no big deal to me I usually think yikes, I think this was important to this person too bad I cannot help or maybe there is something I can do.

“No rush”-  When I say no rush to someone it’s because I have asked for some help, some information, for an answer with no timeline on when I would like for a response.  When someone says “no rush” to me I am alerted and I try my best to get back to the person right away.

“No offense” - This one and the next one make me laugh.  For whatever reason we feel the need to say these things.  When I say “no offense” I am introducing a topic that may be touchy or sensitive to the person I am talking to and genuinely do not want the person to take offense.  When someone says no offense to me, I try my hardest, but sometimes I get a tinged bit offended. 

and

“Don’t take this the wrong way”-  I think this phrase is more negative in nature than the previous one.  When I say don’t take this the wrong way I am usually going to give some type of constructive criticism (unless it’s a sarcastic joke).  But I am not meaning it to upset the other person and am not trying to be mean.  When someone says this to me, I usually feel like what they are saying is a bit mean spirited or judgy. 

I thought this was an interesting exercise to think about these phrases that just come out of our mouths all the time.  I know, at least for me, what I mean when I say these things are opposite of what I take these words to mean if someone says them to me.

I Am Not Sure I Like Learning

Learning is fundamental to our growth and development as human beings.  Throughout every stage in our lives we are constantly learning and evolving whether we like it or not.  We learn in the educational sense, at school, but we learn (arguably) even more in the “outside world” when we interact with other people, in certain circumstances, scenarios, and depending on where we live and what stage we are in our lives.  It’s endless.

I have been out of school for awhile now, about 15 years now I think.  And while I have picked up some books since that were “technical”, it has been a long time since I have really had to or have chosen to learn something new in the legal field.  My work put me on a project where I realized I was in over my head.  I thought I knew what was doing and was diving in to the work, only to realize I didn’t have the basics down yet.  I struggled but I knew I had to stop and go back to the ABC’s and just learn the fundamentals (read case law, statutes, and supplements) so that I really understood the public policy and the inter workings of the topic I was working on.  It took me a long time, and I am ashamed to say, there were tears and some major frustration.  I felt like my brain really hurt and my eyes were crossing.  I was fighting it pretty bad.  But once I went through the process, as you can imagine, it was much better.

I am not a good learner!  I don’t really like the process of learning (and making mistakes), I like just knowing and doing.  What is wrong with me?  That’s not even possible no matter how much of an expert you are at anything, you can’t be a master all the time.  Things change and there will be mess ups.  It’s pretty incredible to see kids and how open they are to learning new things, questioning things, and how often they make mistakes but get right back up again.  I will be forced to learn whether I want to or not, so I should embrace it!

Digging in My Heels

The phrase “digging in my heels” is used often to describe when someone refuses to let up, and more often than not it has a negative connotation.  When I google it the definition says “To cling stubbornly to one's beliefs, position, or wishes.”  I have been pondering this little phrase since I had a conversation with someone recently and she mentioned that when she digs her heels in too much, things backfire, hence she tries to be more flexible.  I liked what she said and it made sense to me.  But it also made me laugh to myself because I am pretty good at digging in my heels.

It is hard for me to start something or plan for something without making a resolute goal, game plan, or plan of action.  I try not to announce this grand scheme to the world, because I am afraid of failure and embarrassment; but I make it very clear to myself what the rules are, what we are aiming to achieve, and then plow forward.  It is the opposite of being flexible or malleable.  But it’s so hard for me to work towards something if I don’t have an “attack plan.”  I realize that when you are doing something new, embarking on something uncharted, it isn’t fair to yourself to set expectations that I don’t know are even achievable, but that is how I always default to get something done.

 I don’t think my way is the right way, but I know that’s how I always end up doing things.  I really respect my friend for her candor and her ability to say that she was happy with her current situation but that she was open to re-evaluating things in the future and altering the course if necessary.  That seems like a really good, healthy approach.  It’s just not how I instinctually react to different aspects of life.  If I promise myself that I am going to do something in a certain way, I dig my heels pretty deep, and I feel a great sense of shame if I have to abandon my plans for something else.  Seems silly doesn’t it?  Life is the greatest set of twists and turns, there is no one size fits all.  I am thankful for this reminder and will work on catching myself before I dig my heels in too deep.  Besides if I keep my feet on the surface, I am bound to move faster and farther, right?

Laundry Hack

I recently came up with this little laundry hack that I think might help some people out.  At the end of every week we do a “strip the beds” day where we take off all the sheets, pillowcases, and duvets or comforters from our 3 beds and wash and dry them.  By Sunday evening (ideally) we all have fresh beds to sleep in.  Which is just the best feeling!

The process of doing all this is particularly not fun to me.  And one thing that drives me just crazy is when all the sheets and the comforter or duvet get all tangled up in the washer spin cycle or when drying.  And then they don’t get washed or dried properly.  The pillowcases get stuck in the sheets and sheets get stuck in the duvet.  You know what I am talking about!

So this week I tried this little hack.  I use laundry bags (aka lingerie bags) to wash all sorts of things in my wash.  Things that I want to keep separate or that I want to hang dry after washing.  I have a variety of sizes for these bags.  I bought some extra large bags that I decided to use to separate the bed linens (pillowcases, sheets, and duvet each in a bag, comforter can be separate since it’s big).  Everything stayed in their place and no tangled mess.

Try it!

Learning Something New

As I get older I find it hard sometimes to learn something new.  Maybe it is because, as an adult, we have options. I get comfortable and fall in to my habits and don’t often think to venture out and learn new things.  I like to be sure that I can do something before I try it. Which doesn’t really make sense because how do you know you can do something if you have never done it before.

I suppose I am afraid of failure and also criticism.  Recently I have realized that I really need to take the time to learn the new field of law that I am in.  I started this job with a cursory knowledge of the field and got thrown in. In the midst of working on documents and research I managed to learn a lot of new info.  However, I didn’t take the time to delve deep. To find out the background, the public policy, they why of all these different rules and regulations. So I am working on that now. 

It is a painful experience.  I have not been in school for quite some time and I am not nearly as sharp as I used to be.  I don’t have as much energy, as much patience, nor as much motivation as I once did. But it’s important for me to understand rather than just apply.  I think it will make my job easier. The law is ever changing, which is also frustrating. Every few months there will be new things to learn and adjust.  Which is very hard for me because it takes me time to get used to something.

I don’t think I will become a whiz kid overnight, or any time soon.  But I am hoping that at least I will be able to have a working knowledge that I can work with.  So I feel more comfortable and more confident in what I am doing. I have to be okay with the fact that I am a totally green, despite having been an attorney for 15 years, I don’t know all that much about this particular field.  But one way or another I will get there (I hope).

I am not much of a player!

I have never been much of a player…and by that I mean that I was never one to be really in to playing games.  Sure as a kid I played board games (Candyland, Monopoly, Battleship, Chutes and Ladders, Scrabble, etc.) and card games with my family and friends, but as I got older I just wasn’t that in to it.  I enjoy game night once in awhile as a way to bond with my family or friends, but games are not my go-to activities of choice. And when I do play a game I choose the simple, quick, uncomplicated, fast-paced games (cue slapjack, Uno, Crazy 8, Operation, Pictionary, Cranium, and Jenga).  No chess, Settlers of Catan, Pandemic, Dungeons and Dragons for me. I have tried, I have really tried...but my attention span starts to wane after a few minutes if I don’t feel instant satisfaction! I feel really embarrassed that I am not into games, especially the really intellectual, strategic games.  I think I am in the minority.

Recently my husband bought Uno for the kids to play (one of my favs).  My 8 year old taught himself how to play the first day he got it, and I was happy that he had a game he could amuse himself with.  Well, today, unexpectedly my son asked me if I would play Uno with him. I turn down my kids all the time. Unfortunately, being at home with them all day and trying to get things done, I don’t always stop to play with them.  I had a list of things to get done, but I felt a tinge of guilt and told my son sure, one game. My son was surprised because it’s rare for me to do this, and this made me feel even guiltier. I started shuffling and my son said he was so surprised I could shuffle so well.  I laughed. And then we began the game and played till he won, which was about 20 minutes. I was touched my son wanted to play with me, and I had fun. It was a really good reminder for me that I just have to stop everything to play with my kids while they still want me to.  And a reminder that playing games can be fun!

All in Vain

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

My 8 year old son plays piano.  He has played for about 3 years now and he kind of likes it!  I say kind of because, as is the case for most kids his age, they don’t always like extra work.  But my son doesn’t fight me on practicing every day, he practices without much supervision, and behaves for his piano teacher.  

We got started with piano because I learned to play the piano when I was a child and my parents gifted me a piano when I got married.  So since we had kids, we have always had a piano in the house. Being able to play the piano has always been one of those things I assumed our kids would learn since we have a piano and it’s a good base instrument for kids to learn to play.  I figure once the kids learn to read music, learn music theory, and can play the piano, they can spin off and play any other instrument they choose.

When I was a kid, a huge part of my playing the piano, was taking part in Certificate of Merit.  Certificate of Merit is a theory and piano performance exam that takes place every year and goes from Preparatory level to Level 10.  Most kids finish all of the levels when they graduate from high school. You learn to play a list of chords/scales, you memorize piano pieces and perform them for a judge, and you take a written theory exam.  The requirements get harder every year. I finished every single level, and as I got older, the test got harder, and the more I hated piano. But...somehow I am still happy I finished all of the levels, and somewhere in the garage I have a certificate to show for all the tears I shed while arguing with my parents over the exam.

When my son’s piano teacher let me know that he was ready last year to take the Certificate of Merit exam, I jumped on the chance.  I thought of course my son should do it. He is proficient in theory and can certainly memorize and play music for a judge. It would be a good learning experience for him, and later on he could put it on his college applications.  But things got busy last year and we decided to skip and try again this year.  

When it came time to prepare for Certificate of Merit this year my son started learning all the different scales, chords, arpeggios on the list, and was taking practice written tests every week.  I could tell it was annoying for him and he was starting to dread his piano practice and lessons. When I asked him if he wanted to take the exam, he said sure he wanted to if I wanted him to.  

After a lot of discussion with my husband and thinking about it, we decided we would not push our son to do the Certificate of Merit.  I talked to the piano teacher and she reacted differently than I expected. She said that many parents want their kids to take the Certificate of Merit, and she supports that decision, but truthfully she thought it wasn’t that valuable and just stressed everyone out.  She and I agreed we wanted to foster a love of music and the piano, so with that in mind we are not going to do Certificate of Merit. We don’t need the Certificate or the notation in the college application. We are going to focus on the music and let my son enjoy piano for what it is.  Kids have enough stress in their lives, no need to add more. We will let the extra-curricular be what it is, extra.

What? Like it’s Hard?

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

I recently got back in touch with an old friend from 7th grade (and college).  We both live in the same county but haven’t seen each other in over 10 years. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on.  The last time we saw one another neither of us was married and neither of us had any kids. Flash forward to over a decade later we both are married with two kids.  

Prior to our meeting, we had been chatting via text.  My friend had asked me how things were going and I told her that “mom life” with 2 kids while rewarding, was harder than I ever expected.  I expected that my friend would respond in agreement (as almost all moms I know have voiced a similar opinion). Instead, my friend was alarmed and asked why I was struggling and insisted that we meet to discuss.  I was excited to see this friend that I had not seen in so long and was happy to get the chance to chat and catch up.  

My friend has been working full time since she was in college and graduated in two years with honors, I believe with several majors.  Thereafter she became an entrepreneur and a successful boss lady! I had always admired her work ethic and her determination. It didn’t surprise me that she became so successful.

During dinner my friend and I talked about married life and momlife.  My friend asked me again why I thought being a mom was so hard. The question took me awhile to really answer.  I was taken aback! I had been asked that question, like that, from people without kids before, plenty of times, and I could quickly give a response and a long list of whys.  But my friend, with several full time businesses, no nanny, and 2 young children (2 and 3 years old, younger than mine) home with her while she works, had so much on her plate that I felt embarrassed to answer her question.

I told my friend that I like order and control, and having 2 kids to me, is disorder and no control.  Most of the time I feel like I barely have things under control and it’s chaos most days. I am usually exhausted and feel like things have to be as perfect as I can make them, which is very stressful.  Kids are their own people, they do what they want sometimes, despite how much we keep them on a schedule or discipline them. And all of that is hard for me. Also, I feel this huge burden of being so responsible for these kids who will grow up to be adults, who could potentially blame so much of what happens in their future on me and my husband.

My friend listened to me very intently, and then gave me the most interesting answer.  She said that by far the hardest thing for her was when she was in college trying to balance a full-time demanding job with a double-load of classes so that she could graduate, so that she could work more and become completely financially independent.  My friend also had had a difficult childhood and has had to overcome a lot of emotional trauma, so the financial, emotional, and physical freedom from her parents was all that she wanted for a long time.

My friend told me that the wonderful thing about having kids is that they don’t judge, they don’t expect, and they just want to be loved unconditionally by their parents.  She said that she does not care at all about what Pinterest or social media says about how you should parent or what your family life should look life. She said she does post on Instagram sometimes but doesn’t spend too much time on it because she is not Instagram happy, she is real life happy.  She said that she doesn’t sweat if her kids are on/off schedule, if the kids eat perfectly, if the kids get screen time, if they are always obeying/well disciplined, or any of the other common things that really stress me out day to day. (My friend’s kids go to bed at 11pm, wake up at 10am, and nap from 4-7pm.  She said she has them on her schedule. It’s not anything like our schedule, but it works for her and she loves it. The kids go everywhere with her, for all her work meetings and errands.) It was as if every single thing on my list of “worries” was on her list of “don’t worry about it.” My friend said that unlike work, there is no one watching over her when she is a mom.  She is in charge and whatever she says goes. If the kids wake up late, if they sleep late, if they eat a Happy Meal, it’s no big deal, no one is hurt, and life goes on. If you mess up at work, there’s the boss, the boss’ boss, corporate office, HR and so many other people that are impacted and you could get in trouble or lose your job. My friend has her head in the right place.  She actually said that being a mom, to her, was easy. And that all the things she had gone through in her life had well prepared her for her adult life. She said there was nothing to be afraid of, only things to be grateful for, that she was having the best time being a mom, that she thinks kids are very resilient and malleable, and she was enjoying every minute of it.

My friend told me what my husband tells me all the time, to take it easy.  Take a chill pill. To relax, enjoy the kids, they are only young once and they are so much fun.  Don’t sweat all the small stuff because I am missing out on what’s right in front of me. Let them be little kids and enjoy being their mom. Soak.It.In.

I have been a mom for almost 9 years now, and in all those years, I have not had a conversation with anyone that has impacted me the way this conversation did.  I have never heard any mom that I know express so confidently, succinctly, and so honestly why I should not stress out over so many things that are not worth worrying about, so that I can free up my soul to love and enjoy my kids.

Since then, I have revisited this conversation in my mind over and over.  When I am feeling a heightened sense of stress, when I am getting irritated or impatient with my kids, or when I am feeling ungrateful.  These gems of wisdom came when I least expected it, and I hope to continue to work on my outlook so that I can enjoy my kids more, and they can enjoy a happier  me.

Weekdays vs Weekends

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

I have this thing about weekdays and weekends.  I have a whole different outlook during the weekdays, a different modus operandi Monday through Friday, and when the weekend hits I run completely differently.  And I am not sure I like it. On weekdays we are on a schedule with school, work, and the same extracurriculars every week. Bath, dinner, and bedtime is all on an earlier schedule and we all wake up earlier, and we are out the door by 7:35 am.  Meals are planned ahead of time and I mealprep a little every day. Once it hits Friday I start looking forward to Saturday and Sunday when my husband is off work, we don’t have school, and we have more fun and be more adventurous …I always think spontaneous things could theoretically happen on the weekends.

What happens is that I try to cram all sorts of errands, social events, get togethers, outings, chores, and home projects in to just those two days, so many that it often leaves all of us exhausted.  As much as the freedom of the weekend entices me, I think I like the structure and limitations even, of the weekdays. We can only do so much when there is school and work involved. Weekdays are all business for our family and that really sets the tone for every family member to be more serious about things, we are more organized, and again, just more structured.  I have tried to be more structured on weekends but I find that doesn’t work! Why? Because there is no school and work schedule to be enforced on us and because my husband is home and with us, and after a long hard week of work, he does not want to be on a crazy schedule.

Sometimes I think I should put a little more weekend in my weekdays and vice versa.  Do some more projects and errands during the week so they are not all saved for the weekend.  Take it a little easier on the weekdays and go out to eat or on a little afternoon outing. On the weekends I think I need to be a lot more realistic about how much time we really have and prioritize what I really want to do and get done.  Ideally weekends are family time and reset/regroup time for myself and all of us. I am more of an all or nothing type of person, which is to my own detriment. It isn’t all or nothing, weekdays can be just as fun and free as weekends (at least in my head) and weekends can also be more organized and structured without feeling stressful.  I feel more restricted for sure on weekdays and on weekends I see so much potential, and I am not being realistic about either.

Stop Should-ing on Yourself

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

It seems like we may all be guilty of “should-ing” on ourselves day in and day out.  My internal dialogue has a constant script of “shoulds” that is on auto-repeat.

I should try to exercise more and be healthier.

I should plan better meals for the family.

I should cook more of a variety of foods.

I should spend more quality time with the kids.

I should spend more quality time with my husband.

I should spend more quality time with family and friends.

I should pay more attention to self-care.

I should work more.

I should be more patient with the kids.

I should keep the house more neat and tidy.

I should be more organized.

I should read more.

I should write more.

I should spend less time on social media.

I should spend more time outside.

The list goes on and on.  Does this sound familiar? Part of the “should-ing” on myself comes from my own internal motivations and desires to be more, have more, and do more.  I am of the mindset that things can always be better, even if things are fine or even good, I want to try to improve the things in my control. Also I am guilty of being influenced by social media.  If I see similar posts over time about the importance of self-care, the importance of spending time with my kids outdoors, the importance of keeping myself and family off of screens, etc etc it gets in my head and then becomes a priority that I strive for.  Nothing really wrong with that. But sometimes, the pressure is too much. I realize that there is just no way I can achieve all of the “shoulds”, and then those “shoulds” become failures which is not helpful and if anything is detrimental to my happiness. The “shoulds” become standards and demands that we put on ourselves that are unnecessary.  Maybe the “shoulds” are really “coulds” or “wants”? Then we can breathe a little easier and do what we can and what we really think is important.

Being Paperless, or Just Less Paper...

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

With all this technology, it goes without saying that most businesses and a lot of households are “paperless.”  We communicate virtually (emails, texts, apps) and so much “recording” of things goes on via digital/paperless systems.  We don’t need cash, checks, and even credit cards are being replaced by a swipe on the phone. And as far as work is concerned, many workplaces keep all of their data and records online or on a cloud.

In the legal world, going “paperless” has its benefits.  One can imagine the stacks of paper involved when it comes to legal proceedings.  Evidence, contracts, pleadings, correspondence, expert reports, case law, statutes...and the list goes on.  When I first started practicing things were just going towards a more paperless system. Digital faxing and scanning incoming documents and correspondence was cutting edge.  But attorneys still had giant paper files that filled up boxes and boxes that somehow we would drag all the way to court. It made no sense. So I was more than excited to have digital files that I could review on a computer screen versus carrying boxes to my car and lifting and carrying them back to my house.  No thank you!

Now that I am doing some legal work again, working remotely and doing everything on my phone and computer, I am constantly battling between paper vs paperless.  I can review all my files online and I draft all my documents on the computer. There should be no need for me to have to print anything out! But somehow, I am going old school and I am printing out the documents I want to review,  I am jotting down all my notes and outlines on paper (notepads even), I am reading and highlighting everything by hand, and then once that is all done I sit down and draft everything on the computer. The result is that for every case that I work on, I have a mini-file printed out at home.  I should probably just throw away those papers after I am done with the project, but I am scared to! Somehow I want to hold on to these papers in case I need to review them again for further issues. I shouldn’t need to since I have done all the work and drafted documents I can just re-review.  But I think that my thinking process now just involves actual paper. I don’t think this is as efficient and cost/waste effective as it could be, but for now this is what’s been working. It’s one of those things that I am not sure if I need to push a change or if I should just keep the system if it works for me.

I Want To Have The Fun House

*Please note this post was written pre-quarantine.

I think some people like for their kids and all their friends to hang out at their house and other people prefer for their kids to hang out at other people’s homes.  I think there can be arguments made for both preferences. But for me, I like for my kids and their friends to hang out at our house. I want to be the “fun house” that all the kids gravitate to.  

Right now, with my son being 8 and my daughter being 4, my kids are not the age yet where they go to other people’s houses unsupervised to hang out with friends.  However, we do have kids over. I have good friends that I will offer to have their kids over to play with mine and they will play in the playroom or in the backyard and are pretty independent.  I am not bothered by noise in my house (kids playing, laughing, singing, banging lol) as long as the kids are having fun and being safe. I have a lot of things I can be doing while they play. I really like getting to know my kids’ friends and it makes me happy to see them happy.  And I just really don’t mind it. To be honest my kids are better behaved when they have friends over for the most part than when it’s just the 2 of them (they fight!), I think because it changes up the dynamic.

I picture our house to be the “fun house” as the kids get older.  I hope that my son and daughter will want to bring their buddies over to “chill” when they get to middle school and high school.  I picture having lots of snacks and food for them to eat and I also picture them going off on their own to chat or play games or whatever it is that big kids do. Haha  I hope that my kids won’t think my husband and I and their house is boring, uncool, or embarrassing for whatever reason and will feel happy to bring the crowd on over to our place! 

My Rough House

It’s funny when you raise your own kids (at least for me) it makes you reflect a lot about how you were brought up and your own childhood.  I am the oldest of 2 girls in my family and 1 of 7 all girl cousins on my mom’s side (and in fact one of 3 girl cousins on my dad’s side). My sister and I grew up very close to our maternal girl cousins and spent so much time playing together.  And one of the interesting things growing up, that I only now realize, is that we girls did not rough house! I can’t think of one time that my parents, grandparents, or aunts and uncles ever had to say “keep your hands to yourself.” I don’t think that there was ever a time that we ever wrestled, kicked, punched, hit, or jumped on each other.  If there was ever any touching it was to give hugs, to hold hands, or when we choreographed a dance (which was often). We found plenty of fun things to do without ever needing to be rough and tumble with one another.

And now I have an 8 year old boy and a 4 year old girl, and boy oh boy are they rough.  And what surprises me the most is that my daughter will instigate it often. She is a tough girl and thinks it’s funny to tease my son when he’s reading by jumping on his back when he least expects it.  They kick and wrestle, and do all sorts of things. I feel like I am constantly breaking up their “fights.” They think it’s funny and they giggle and play, but every once in awhile someone gets hurt (or they break something in the house).

It’s so bizarre to me that my kids would think this sort of play is fun.  But in talking to other parents, mostly parents of all boys or boys and girls, it is normal.  My husband has a little sister and he thinks it’s normal too. I think he and his sister did plenty of rough housing as kids.  It is just not normal at all to what I am used to and how I was raised. I am getting more used to it but it’s still very weird to me!  PS Side note, I am also a total wimp and I am very sensitive and scared of getting hurt! Go Figure!

Pro tip: My “throw” bin

Here’s a fun pro tip for you.  I have a “throw bin” I keep downstairs that I use to put various things throughout the day that I want to eventually bring upstairs.  I just leave the bin in the same spot downstairs every day and the family knows that any toys, knick knacks, new items delivered, mail, books, clothes, socks, and items I need to restock upstairs (soap, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc) go in that bin and whenever someone goes upstairs we take the bin up, unload it, and then bring it back downstairs.  Sometimes I will take that bin upstairs, and load it up while I am up there with things that need to go downstairs as well. 

This helps avoid a lot of back and forth, dropping things on the stairs (because I try to carry too many things at once), and the collection of too many things that are not in the right spot aka keeps things more tidy.  I know a lot of people leave things at the bottom of the stairs to be taken upstairs but I think that’s too dangerous for us (falls and slips) and also we tend to just walk around the stuff. Haha So the bin system has worked for us.  My bin is a cute fabric neutral color and can pass as decor so that’s also a win! Try it!

You are so roasted!

Since starting public school our home has been introduced to a lot of different words, terms, phrases, dances, and songs.  One of the recent words that my 8-year-old son has been using and now our 4-year-old daughter uses is the term “roasted.” The word “roasted” makes me think of a big tray of roasted zucchini, eggplant, red onions, peppers, tomatoes, and potatoes.  And it sounds and smells delicious! My son has told me over and over that is not the same roasted!

But what does the new term “roasted” mean?  Urban Dictionary says “roasted” refers to being dissed (throwback!) or burned (whoa way back) or told by (or made fun of) by a group of people.  And now that actually makes sense. It cracks me up to actually hear my kids taunt each other for things. Just today my daughter said she finished her chore of wiping down the table and chairs and my son said she wasn’t done.  When my husband said that she (my daughter) is done and she can watch a show she said to her brother “See! I told you! Roasted!”, I near fell off my stool laughing. It’s funny to hear her use the word so perfectly and just so silly how new slang sounds (ok diss still makes me chuckle).

The Bond with my Stroller

I really love my stroller(s).  But I am afraid that the time is coming (or came and went?) for me to begin to wean from using our stroller.  But I break out in a cold sweat thinking about it. My son is 8 years old and my daughter is 4 years old so I think it’s safe to say they really don’t need it.  I don’t use the stroller everywhere we go but it’s a “must” for me at large museums, airports and all travel, malls, places where parking is far away from the destination, walking to and from school, and all amusement parks.  Is it essential for me to have the stroller at all? No. But I really enjoy the flexibility a stroller provides.  

My daughter can walk a pretty far distance now, but I am afraid to test it.  She’s too big for me to carry long distances and I feel bad if my husband has to carry her for a long time.  And...let’s be honest...we have so.much.stuff. I like to be prepared and have everything “on me” so when we go on longer outings I will pack that stroller with drinks, jackets, a change of clothes, snacks, you name it.  My daughter still naps so she will nap in the stroller if we are out for the day. Sometimes it’s just easier to strap my daughter in to the stroller if I am running late (to pick up my son for example) or in a place with a lot of traffic in the parking lot and I don’t want her running around.  But looking around I realize I am one of the few people who still chooses to carry a stroller in the car and push it around places, when I really don’t have to. I think it’s a security blanket. I haven’t been without a stroller in 8 years, since we had my son. And I am not sure what life without the stroller would be like.  It will probably feel like we are light on our feet without having to lug the stroller in the car and push it around everywhere. But maybe I would pack everything in backpacks and it could be annoying to have to wear everything around? It is coming soon enough but for now I am holding on to our last days with the stroller and enjoying the benefits that comes with having it around.  More often than not, I am pushing the stroller around when we are out and my kids are running around freely and I am just pushing around our gear. I get lots of weird looks, but for now I will act oblivious because our stroller days are numbered!

Learning Our Language

My husband and I are Vietnamese-American.  We both are born to Vietnamese-immigrant parents that came to the United States before college who raised us speaking mostly English and some Vietnamese.  We can understand more Vietnamese than we can speak, and what we can speak is at best broken and probably equivalent to second grade Vietnamese. And writing in Vietnamese or reading in Vietnamese is even less than that.  We both took some Vietnamese classes when we were younger and sad to say, I don’t think I applied myself enough. I thought that it wasn’t important and that everyone in my family and my friends all spoke English so there wasn’t really a need for me to be fluent in Vietnamese.

Now that I am older and now that I have children, I really regret that I did not pay more attention during those Vietnamese classes and I also regret that I didn’t use the language more in speaking to my parents, grandparents, and relatives.  I am so used to speaking English that it is almost weird to start speaking in Vietnamese again. I am not confident in my skills and I feel silly.

I really wish that I could teach my children how to speak Vietnamese and it would help if we spoke it in the home, which we do not.  I try to teach them basics. We have books and they know some numbers, colors, and objects. I know that as the generations go on we may lose more and more of the language and that makes me sad.  To be honest, our daily lives are so busy that it just becomes another thing to do that I often overlook. I am not sure how to make it a priority because we get along just fine without knowing and utilizing the Vietnamese language, but it would be really nice if we all were more familiar with the language.  I guess I feel like if my kids knew Vietnamese they would feel more of a connection to our “roots” as a Vietnamese-American family.